Sunday, 17 June 2018

The blue car ( smashes me yet again )

Things were going well with me and the blue car, I was learning so much about who she is as a person and I hope she was learning who I was as a person.

I never saw myself allowing the blue car into my life but I followed what Jesus wanted me to do. To love her no matter what. Of course this was pretty much hard because she would always end up hurting me..

Things took for the turn when almost a year or so ago I started to go digging as I felt that we could be related, at first I was sure we were related as sisters but the more research I did the more I discovered I was wrong and in fact she was a cousin of mine. In my mind I hoped I was wrong. My researching skills always did me good but at this stage I wish I didn't go searching.

Way back I gave up looking for my real father or trying find out answers by making up stupid lies and things. I came to a place where knowing who my father is didn't matter. I however prayed to Jesus and asked him if he could lead me to his family.

Turns out prayers are answered so be carful what you pray for !

I decided not to share any of this with the blue car because I knew she would throw me aside and forget me all over again, however when she recently became a mother I thought she had the right to know and it was the right thing for her child as well. It was hard enough for me to go searching for my family I guess I didn't want her child to go though that.
As I try to tell her about what I knew I could see the change in her face and really could see how much she hated me at that moment. She said isn't this just something you want ?

I had to really think hard. Was it ? Was I just hoping.. Then again was she limiting God to what he could do.

After leaving the house I knew she would fire back with something and how right I was.
I think it was a couple of days latter if not a week when she sent me a (text) message wanting nothing to do with me .

I knew that was coming. I knew That the blue car would again strike me again. we attend the same church and are part of the same family and yet she really had no love for me.

I decided I would be the better person and after telling her what I thought I simply prayed for her. She often would say how much I needed Jesus but I was 200% she needed him. She was a leader, and in the band but still could not show grace to me ? Often she would walk pass me as if I'm a dirt bag, as if I didn't exist.

Today I saw her after awhile I hadn't. She still pretty much treated me as if I was an alien.

Though I wanted to slap her so bad I knew Jesus wouldn't improve. He wanted me to love her even when she hated me for who knows What reason.

The blue car has taught me to pray regardless of how someone treats you or loves you or not. She taught me to trust Jesus and to obey him even when it doesn't make sense. There will always be people who do not like you but love them anyways.

Saturday, 16 June 2018

The voiceless kid

As I sat Listening to my pastor  say the person who commits suicide never had hope, I felt angry and sad,  I think that's far fetch.
We all have hope. We have hope in things and in people and for some of us in Jesus.
The things we have hope in sometimes isn't enough. I see it in my own life.
I do all the (right ) things but it still isn't enough.
How can you help someone who so far out , and so lost ? You can't. You just be there.
People often walk away because they feel they can't cope but what if That's not the point ? The point was to just be there ? I mean what's wrong with giving your ears ? To listen.. What's wrong with giving your hands ? To hug...what's wrong with giving your mouth ?.. To give encouragements ?

I stood at my church , with so much to say but I had no voice.. My voice Was un heard in fact what I had to say didn't matter... I did everything I could not anymore, I stood there with nothing more to give but my brokenness.

That's all I had to give. I saw myself as unloved ,unwanted.. Maybe that was just it. Just to give that part of me. To anyone and everyone. Perhaps God could use it.

Nothing ever made sense but what I knew made sense was I wanted to change and I could only do that though my brokenness.
My pastor had so much to say about suicide but they couldn't even sit down with me and hear me out. Infact they would do there best to not speak with me. I wonder when I die by suicide they be standing up there saying I had no hope in Jesus ! I sure will be there as a ghost jumping on top of them !!!

I knew at that stage I had nothing more to do but just watch things play out by my actions.

Just a couple of days before I had God touch me in such a huge way at our healing services. I knew That something was going whip everything upside down and I knew God was going use me of all people to do that.

But did I really want to be used ? Was I ready for something big as this ? I knew the answers the church was asking God but would they even hear it from me ? Voiceless I was but perhaps the most important thing was to trust God with all of this and be ready... Ready to un tie my voice to the many people who would hear it. Was it time for a hearing of heart or was it a time of an unwanted tears to hit the grave yard.. No was time for something...

Saturday, 9 June 2018

The button pushed

I closed my eyes and I knew I was dead , I knew everything in me had died , I knew that moment I felt alive could not change that fact, everything inside of me was dead, it was like a push button that someone hit and bam I was dead... Sadly it was the people I loved the most that killed me. I drag my self to our healing services because I wanted to be healed yet I had fellow believers who kept punching me in the heart that threw me 10 miles back from where I started.

That same day I had a leader asking me what I meant about something , I remember reading his message and was like man he really has no clue what they did threw me in the pit.. But thats the thing.. People other push too hard or they dont push hard enough.. How do you know when pushing is enough or is not enough ?

Often people would push me to the edge and I would snap at them trying tell them they did so but they can not understand my language of pain that they turn away and close the file , some people say nothing , some people do nothing. They sit there and watch me in pain asking me what did they do as if they have no clue...

Their actions caused me to snap and that button was pushed too far.. Now That I new that truth how could I tell them ? How could I explain , my voice was a ghost to them.. Waving away in shadow mist... Trying hit the people I love with warning signs they missed every bit of them... There I walked among them and they looked at me with pity or sadness.. And among them was the blue car bashing me down yet again with her related blood but throwing me to the dogs... Her own flesh and blood.. It took me to the place of blackness,

Blanking me in to tears and more death.. As I try to reach out to anyone who could hear me , nobody did.. Nor did they want to... Pastors could not response to my pain, leaders could not response to my pain ,they refuse to hear or answer me... Walking away and blocking me out.. When I did the same it was as If I broke the law and how bad was that... Then I had people who didn't want to be my friend but could only be a (church ) family to me..

All I wanted was people to love me and I fought for that but then I pushed the button and fought to kill myself and harm myself at the same time...

What made me do this ?

Having my therapist tell Me I have Worth I couldn't see it. I saw no worth in myself because of the people who I loved deeply did not love me back..

Back to my moment of life... I could feel myself about to fall.. And during the healing service I was knocked out by my own sin but could anyone save me before it was to late ?

Or was the button pushed to hard that it was left broken unable to be fix within it self ..

Saturday, 5 May 2018

The wheel in the clock

Closed my eyes , hoping the pain would go away but how wrong I was when I re open them once more , I looked at the wound in me , it was a sharp blade of change sparking my heart to beat over the normal heart beat, my heart wasn't even at normal heart beat, never was, yet it was a race of time to cool down and throw buckets of water on top of me but instead the buckets had ice cubes with names in mud knocking me out in to the wildness of low grounds, I was unreachable within my pity self I yelled but even Jesus could not hear me, I was tied up to a wheel and a captain with dark evil eyes looked at me and threw spit in my face ,screaming (drive ) the only thing I could think of at that very moment was my hands which was in such pain tied on to the wheel as I turn from one side to the other I realize I was turning in to time, time of change , Time of pain, time of lonely showers flashing me in to a war zone , a war zone of serving with money, money that couldn't Even save me but trash my heart with bitterness , all I could do was duck and  dive the wheel in to something even more horrible , then I hit pause and fell in to chains of ground dust un able to wash or feed myself, I took a huge wrong turn and fell in to a clock full of bear wolf's , a clock full of their teeth eating me bit by bit and off I vanish in to blood sheds of the wheel in the clock...

Saturday, 28 April 2018

Caught in a web

Every time I try write I am set back with a huge storm hitting my life... Awhile back I was given a tough question I thought I knew. Who am I ?
After my recent suicide attempt its left people questioning who I am.

I began to question who I am, even more when a huge storm hit me.

I was sat down by 2 leaders a few weeks back as I asked the church for help with food wise. Turns out in oder for them to help you, YOU MUST SERVE MORE. I was pretty much upset by this and refuse to serve at all because I believe serving comes from the heart. Not because you need something.
A few weeks went by yet big bang storm hit me again and I had nowhere to go and stay. Of course my church yet again vanished and refuse to help me but pray for me.

I became super mad , Again the people I loved refuse to help me.

I began to pull away from Jesus and start falling in to my old pattens yet again. I remember the question who am I ? I realize I didn't know who that was. I would always say I'm God child. But who am I really ? If I were God child I wouldn't fall so hard when ever the church chose to throw me aside.. It hit me super hard that all I believe that was me was not me. Jesus child full of love and grace. That was not me at all. I was angry ,lost ,ashamed and brave for all the wrong reasons. Thats who I was. A lost kid trying be loved by members who weren't able to love me.. Trying to change something I couldn't even change within me. I never felt so alone like I do now. Where was everyone ? Why couldn't they save me , feed me or give me a hug , did I even want a hug ? All these feelings made me lost in a huge web base full of lies and truths and I couldn't even find out which one it is.

I lost my passion to write , I lost my passion to smile , I lost my passion to live , everything inside of Me wanted to die. Perhaps I was just that. Death. Death can not be seen it only eats you up in a flash. Maybe it was too late for me to be saved... Maybe no body cared enough anyways , then it hit me...

Even if I thought jesus only cared it wouldn't matter because I was caught in a web of lies and truth unable to swing my way out, and all I could hear is - you are not loved , where is your God ?

Even if I try to say something I couldn't because I knew no words to escape this season...

Saturday, 3 March 2018

4 weeks and a fresh start ( part one )

This week blog will highlight a few points in my frist weeks at the wellness program.

 I step in to my new dorm room that would be my home for 4 weeks, my fear became a living dream that began to start. 
I began a healing journey in therapy we will call it my ( wellness program) 

I began this program after my recent attempt with suicide. I came in there with a broken heart and a deep cry for help as I had given up on God. Deep down I knew I had given up on him. I wanted to be help in anyway but not by him. 

During my 4 week stay I would encounter pain from the past and a new me I would discover. 

I learnt to be a child again and I learnt I could be me without judgment. 

I had some news which started my 2nd week with a bang. 
For 6 days I cried and wanted to give up on the program, I also felt like I was all alone and believe so. 
The week was a hard week as the ones to follow would increase to be even harder. 
During weekends I went home and on the 18th of February in my 2nd week we had a guest speaker at our church. Though out the service I felt my soul wanted to break down. I just couldn't. I remember sitting there and felt the need to run up and re commit my life to Jesus. I felt pride to do so I Also felt I would be judge. I have walked away from Jesus so many times I started to be ashame of it. 

Perhaps walking away from Jesus was a good thing because it meant that I didn't stay away I kept trying find a way to cralw back in to his loving arms. 

That night I re commit my life to Jesus, it was a night I would not forget. Starting my 3rd week in the wellness program I felt so fresh and so at peace. 

Yet I had to face a friendship that was about to end. Again I felt alone. 

I realize I had so many set backs during the program. People were struggling with my suicide and they were struggling with the fact I was there, it made me even more weak because I was the one who encouraged everyone yet I  couldn't even encourage myself. 

I lost people during the 4 weeks yet I gain so much more. 
I created a new vision of myself a vision of fight and a vision with hope. 

I made some friends and we learnt so much from each other, some days we play pool, other days we colour in, then you get those days where we had a very long day in sessions and we all make a cup of coffee and sit under the stars with a cat and make jokes. 
Unity helped each of us to remain strong and have hope. 

One of the points that really stood out for me is unity.
Without unity you can not get though life and that's why Jesus created us so we could be there for each other and encourage each other. 

When someone struggles with mental illness they need unity but what the world does wrong is we push these people away and box them with labels yet all they long for is love. 

The devil try his best to break me even more yet behind those huge walls and fence 90% of the staff at my ward was Christians, not only was I even more protected But Jesus was by me from day one. I try running from him yet he had a plan in place to catch me again.

We can do our best running from Jesus but he will never ever give up on us. For his love is to strong for us.  

Saturday, 24 February 2018

The search is on

After my recent suicide attempt it has left a few people struggling with it even more how I struggle with it, I am currently in treatment and it has really help me a lot to discover a lot , about who I am as a person and who really cares for me. As soon as I went in to treatment a few people vanish and I was left alone , I was heart broken but I latter realize the people who stand by me are the only ones who matter. 

Its hard to get help when you watch the people around you struggle. I had to walk away from a friend because she lied to me , I thought perhaps she was struggling but even so being dishonest is not cool. 

As I find myself on a journey to healing I discover how much Jesus wasn't really part of this and how much I wanted him to be apart of this. 
It was hard for me to reach out to him because I was so ashamed and so guilty for my suicide attempt, I found myself really just not able to speak to him like I use to. 

When this past Sunday we had a speaker at church and as I was sitting I just knew I had to run up and re commit my life to Christ but I was scared I would be judged and I was pride. 

That night I recommitted my life to Christ and was touch by him. 
I became more hungry then ever. 
I started to search again for Jesus but in the word yet I struggle to. As I began to open up to a few people I had mix responses. I realize I was alone in this search , I wanted to stick to Jesus and remain committed but I didnt know how. I didnt know how to pray or read my bible anymore. I was just not getting the right food in. 

Life is hard, being a Christian is hard because you get many set backs and the devil will try his best to get you to quit and sadly I have given up a few times. Is it okay for me to give up? Well I think its okay for me to not be okay but I think its important for me to keep searching for Jesus and keep digging for him because only deep within will I find my break though.