Tuesday, 23 May 2017

The issue in mental illness…is really you..

Mental health has always been looked at as something so awful as if you are in a monster, the huge factor in suicide is just that, a factor around us that people choose to label it. its other attention seeking or you just feeling sorry for yourself. When people kill themselves the outcome is always oh but they had mental illness so that’s just fine… well as children of God I really do not think it is fine. Its not only oh victim statement, oh feel sorry for me… this is my right and sadly a lot of Christians see mental health in this term and it’s a disgrace to God. I would understand none Christians take on it but children of God? I have spoken a lot about suicide in my blogs and I am very open about it, it makes me mad to see my fellow sisters and brothers just labeling this matter. A few weeks back I did a course at church and in one of the sessions they spoke about suicide and mental illness, as they began I got super mad and walked out. The judgment on this was so not cool. This is a battle I was fighting and I am fighting alone yet it can be turn around and its sick. As I said before suicide is an illness and a lot of people lose their battle to it.    one of the signs leading to suicide is self harm, self harm can come in many forms but ill like to share one. A few months ago I began to cut myself and try to reach out to my therapist at the time of course she saw this as attention most likely and didn’t really help me. I had to face this battle all by myself.  About 2 or 3 months ago I decided to stop and try help myself.  When I began to wear short selves everyone around me freaked out! Some telling me to put a jacket on and others telling me God will punish me. Then I got those awesome people who told me that God is going use this to help others who struggle with this. I still struggle with it, I try to fight it but I really can’t fight it alone. I recently had 2 of the therapist who worked with me simply give up on me. Just a week ago one of them said to me its as if im not fighting anymore. I felt insulted afterwards. Because they weren’t fighting for me yet they think they can tell me not to give up? And its just like those people who make mental health a disgrace when its like any other illness. We may cut ourselves, try and end our lives, lose ourselves in a full blown rage of anger but at the end of the day, we are just people who need support and need love.

When people choose to label mental health and walk away from us and tell us we are hopeless course, they are choosing to disgrace God and by doing so is rejecting Jesus himself. When I die of suicide I don’t want people to say oh she battle mental illness, no I want people to see that I battle people and lose the battle because at the end of the day…the issue isn’t in mental health…its really you.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

The only way to win any fight is on your knees.

When I think about fighting I think about swearing at the other person and telling them what I think of them, then punching them in the face and watching them go so red then becoming so mad with me like thunder and lighting about to strike me and kill me,  that’s all I ever knew, always prepare to attack the other person and making sure that what I said or feel stood and nothing else matter. Just recently I discover that there is more to fighting and there really is a good way of fighting.  We are born to fight and we are born to WIN it. But do we know how to fight?
As I face a very serious matter which lead me in deciding if I should not sue these people and take them to court, I prayed and asked God what he thinks about this hole matter, because I knew 2 things 1 that I was right and 2 that this was really damaging, but what I didn’t know was what God thought about it, as  I waited on God, I heard nothing and became angry at him, a day pass and more passed and then one day I ran in the park and started screaming, and after that I fell on my knees and began to cry, father I love them and I don’t want to fight them but they hurt me, help me”
Just at that moment I heard a gentle voice wispier to me, “this is how you fight them” I was abit confuse how I asked?  “ this is how you fight them” I got up in rage and shouted at God, how ! tell me how! But I heard nothing. I was super cross but carried on with my days when one day I went to the prayer room at church and didn’t want to say anything to God, I sat there and then I heard a whisper again, “ this is how you fight them” at that I got up and I storm out of church. How! How! As I was walking away in a rage I heard a very loud voice “ this is how” I stood, and thought for a moment and realize what was God trying to tell me, the only way one can fight and win a battle was to be on your knees praying!
I started laughing oh Lord you are funny! How can I fight and win by just being on my knees and praying?  As days went by I began to learn a new way of fighting, the fighting I knew nothing about. By falling on my knees and praying for the people but in love and in truth, I knew the only way I could win this battle was by praying and reading the word of God. The fighting I knew nothing about had some rules, rules to protect all people involved in the battle.
1.       The first rule was to look at the people the way jesus sees them.
2.       Then to speak in truth and love
3.       Then to leave the battle in peace and love.

But most of all by always praying for them. The only way to win any fight is on your knees.

We should never go in to war by wanting to harm the other people or for our own self deeds but by love and the deeds of our loving father Jesus

Stepping in the shoes of grace

Looking at my broken shoes with holes under it, I wonder if anyone knew the battle I faced, the battle that I could not even fight, I wonder if someone asked me to sit down and took my shoes off what they would do if they discover that under it there was no cover at all but holes, only damaging my feet every step I take.
We are so judgmental with what people look like, how they dress and what they drive, its sick, and sad, do we really take the time to sit down with the person and discover what they really are wearing? Under those pretty shoes perhaps there is holes that nobody knows about and perhaps people know about those holes and don’t want it to be there problem… but we are called to help the person to remove those holes, maybe we are to give them new shoes, or to glue them together for a season, but when that season comes to an end, they will need a pair of new shoes and at some point we all need something new in our life.
But a lot of time people think that this new thing means they no longer in their life but I disagree, we will always be in each other lives forever since we are children of God but in different ways and in new ways, sometimes we have to stop holding that person but drive with them, this could be anything. But are we prepare to do any of this? are we prepare to step in the shoes of grace?
My first church I went to, had many good things but the down fall they are not prepare to walk in those shoes, they not willing to look at the holes under the pretty shoes, in fact they have the homeless people sit at the back of the church and class them as outsiders.
This is not what Jesus died for, He died so we are all in the same boat. That we are all the same and treated the same. I love my  church pastors, they are lovely people who do not box themselves better than us normal members. I admire how they are part of our lives in some way and that they walk in the shoes of grace. Every church has it downs but the church I now go to is pretty much close to the real deal and even when I struggle with some things I admire the fact that a lot of the people I attend church are prepared to know about my holes in my shoes but because of the background I have come from I often am ashamed to even speak of any holes. Perhaps I needed to change and trust them more.

The question I leave you are you prepare to step in to the shoes of grace and reach someone with a pair of broken shoes that has holes in it or are you okay that it isn’t your problem and carry on with life? If so you really don’t know Jesus steps and I pray you discover them.

Monday, 1 May 2017


Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel pity but then other times I feel nothing at all, how did the world end up so broken? Often I get asked where Is the loving God you believe in, I often ask myself that same thing, maybe he on holiday and drinking a nice cup of wine? People think being a Christian, we have all the answers and have it all together well it not the case.
As I walk in the dark valleys I get pulled aside, hey you whitey what you doing here? Often I scare people with my freaky scream but iv learnt to throw some punches. Where is God when I get mocked for being white or near beaten up for it? Life is tough and then I have to put a pretty face and enter the doors of church, the building I find myself in for hours, maybe I hope to be safe there, but I have learnt I am not safe anywhere not even with the people who are meant to love and care for you, those very same fake people are the ones breaking every part of you, in my case it seems like it. I find Jesus so hard to understand, I mean how can I love people who keep hurting me? Sometimes I stare at these very people and they holding knifes while being on the worship band, ready to kill me, but Jesus tells me love, how? How can I love someone who was meant to help me but put me right back in a deep hole? I don’t get God at all. Now I am standing in front of a building that gave me hope, that taught me everything about love but pain too, and God still wants me to love these people? Ill rather head to the dark valleys and get beaten up by gangs or maybe I should join them, they sure wont let me go with out food or with pain, they be the family I am searching for.
Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel everything, and see war right  in front of me, then I go to church with the very people killing me, where is God? Because he not here at all. Then it hits me the fist of people, they grab me and hold me up a wall and as I am pushed up at the wall all I can think of is the green people who taught me to live in the real world and where are they when I need them? Where is God, as a knife comes along my neck I look in the face of the evil one and see nothing but brokenness. Closing my eyes in fear I feel a sharp pain and at that I fall to the ground, I hear running foot steps and then nothing at all, I stare at the ground and a flash back hits me where I found myself in a class room of the bible teacher who taught me the book of life, and where is his stupid book and voice now? Oh  how I wish it was here but as I take a breath of pain I see nothing but myself on the ground.

Sometimes I stare in the world and feel nothing but brokenness because we are all broken crying for someone, and searching for hope, for life but I realize that isn’t real, as the blood started to cover me up, I realize only one thing is real Jesus and I needed to find him but sometimes….I stare in the world and find him in all the wrong places…sometimes…I stare in front of my own body and feel nothing but pity…