I don’t know what to write about…I don’t know how to say it like it is…its like a block has hit my mind, blocking my thoughts and I am unable to say anything….is it even worth saying it? do people care? I have fallen and nobody…nobody can rescues me…Its been a huge bang in the new year lighting the sky with fire of brokenness….where do I even start…how do I even start…For months I watched myself be bully by people and be walked over, I lost any love I had for myself, I couldn’t be loved, what made it worse the leaders I look up to did nothing…they did not save me… I decided to quit my job for 2 reasons …1..because I felt the Lord say I should do the internship at our church and 2…I didn’t want to go back because of the bullying… quitting my job was a step of faith but…a step in to a huge storm about to hit me…I was left without work and a hope of growing in a church I loved so much….as I enter the building that I loved so much I would never realize that I would leave it in tears and heart broken…what was wrong with me….my heart fell apart after being told I could not do internship..The church I called home has just displayed a huge rejection…after all the set backs…after all the hurt I made the choice….The choice to end it all…I was done…I have been struggling with suicide but I could never do it because of fear but I wanted to die…I had started jumping in front of trains to prepare my self for the (Dday) I told people I was just doing it to deal with things but I knew the real reason…I had no job…I had lost some friendships and now I lost my church family…
I felt I lost my faith too, I felt I let people down by not serving where they wanted me to be, I felt like I became a (Sunday) Christian and that did not grow me. I was ready to give up.
I remember that week I saw my mentor and then she wanted to see me again, I wasn’t sure why because we only see each other once a month but I thought I could give her a proper goodbye and decided to go see her on the Tuesday. I plan to go to church afterwards and leave a suicide note there and then jump in front of the train I wanted to send an ( I love you) message but I knew that would be a red flag so I thought a suicide note was okay.
When d day came I felt nothing, my mind was in a dark place, nothing could stop me, even if I wanted to send a text help even the person wouldn’t be able to stop me. I didn’t care what jesus thought, I thought he would understand , I mean he the one who knows my pain surely he wanted it to end? I know I did,
I had my (last) breakfast and waited for the time. I was getting exited, knowing the rush would be great, I enjoyed the rush, but now I wasn’t going move when I jump in front of the train I was going remain still and that exited me.
As I entered the building which my mentor was in I felt no sadness, I felt nothing, I sat down and waited for her, as she came down I was glad to see her, I truly loved her, I still felt no emotions at all, it was like my mind went blank as we sat down and spoke the very next moments were going change my heart after we spoke for awhile she shared that I was at risk and that she did not feel it was safe for me to leave the building. She gave me a choice, she was going take me to the hospital or the police will… I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. I was so upset.
I spent 2 nights and a day at the hospital and then I was discharge as there weren’t any beds in a ward I was meant to go to. The term was that I go on pills and go in to treatment which I agree to. I had been fighting this for long time now I just gave in and was ready. I had nothing else but myself and I guess I should start fighting for myself because all the other things I was fighting for did not fight for me it was time to give them up and fight for me.
As I was sitting in our prayer room at church I had to face angry and in that angry freedom, I was still hurting so much, so much happen so fast, my church family did hurt me so much, They said they did not reject me but you cant tell that to someone who faced so much rejection they will only see it as rejection. I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the Lord house yet all this was happening so much pain so much tears,I was sure of one thing I was not glad I was alive still…I was angry that I was stopped, but it seem like the patch of darkness had left me and I had no will to jump in the train.. I was not sure if I was loved by the people I loved so much, but I knew running away in the past only lead to bitterness and isolation perhaps I had to choose a different path because the same thing seem as it was repeating over and over, I had been rejected by 2 churches before perhaps instead of walking away I stayed and loved them.
For the next following weeks I would discover that people did love me and was super hurt by my actions.
Suicide has ruled me since the age of 9 and I want to rule it, I don’t know how but im going try fight for my life because I am loved, and the devil wants me to believe otherwise.
So my year has started with a huge bang and I don’t know what the future holds but I know Jesus holds it, I know he loves me no matter what I think of myself because he thinks I am amazing and worth dying for.
I wrote the following to help me fight and I hope it bless you.
(Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Ill rip you apart with millions of prayers to the Lord,
Ill sing him a song,
Ill shout to him!
Ill praise you father!
Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Shut up devil !!
I am a child of God
I am his loving child
I am his bright and shining star!!!!!
Ill kick you down satan!!!)