Cath Lisa

Cath Lisa

Saturday, 28 April 2018

Caught in a web

Every time I try write I am set back with a huge storm hitting my life... Awhile back I was given a tough question I thought I knew. Who am I ?
After my recent suicide attempt its left people questioning who I am.

I began to question who I am, even more when a huge storm hit me.

I was sat down by 2 leaders a few weeks back as I asked the church for help with food wise. Turns out in oder for them to help you, YOU MUST SERVE MORE. I was pretty much upset by this and refuse to serve at all because I believe serving comes from the heart. Not because you need something.
A few weeks went by yet big bang storm hit me again and I had nowhere to go and stay. Of course my church yet again vanished and refuse to help me but pray for me.

I became super mad , Again the people I loved refuse to help me.

I began to pull away from Jesus and start falling in to my old pattens yet again. I remember the question who am I ? I realize I didn't know who that was. I would always say I'm God child. But who am I really ? If I were God child I wouldn't fall so hard when ever the church chose to throw me aside.. It hit me super hard that all I believe that was me was not me. Jesus child full of love and grace. That was not me at all. I was angry ,lost ,ashamed and brave for all the wrong reasons. Thats who I was. A lost kid trying be loved by members who weren't able to love me.. Trying to change something I couldn't even change within me. I never felt so alone like I do now. Where was everyone ? Why couldn't they save me , feed me or give me a hug , did I even want a hug ? All these feelings made me lost in a huge web base full of lies and truths and I couldn't even find out which one it is.

I lost my passion to write , I lost my passion to smile , I lost my passion to live , everything inside of Me wanted to die. Perhaps I was just that. Death. Death can not be seen it only eats you up in a flash. Maybe it was too late for me to be saved... Maybe no body cared enough anyways , then it hit me...

Even if I thought jesus only cared it wouldn't matter because I was caught in a web of lies and truth unable to swing my way out, and all I could hear is - you are not loved , where is your God ?

Even if I try to say something I couldn't because I knew no words to escape this season...

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