Cath Lisa

Cath Lisa

Sunday, 17 June 2018

The blue car ( smashes me yet again )

Things were going well with me and the blue car, I was learning so much about who she is as a person and I hope she was learning who I was as a person.

I never saw myself allowing the blue car into my life but I followed what Jesus wanted me to do. To love her no matter what. Of course this was pretty much hard because she would always end up hurting me..

Things took for the turn when almost a year or so ago I started to go digging as I felt that we could be related, at first I was sure we were related as sisters but the more research I did the more I discovered I was wrong and in fact she was a cousin of mine. In my mind I hoped I was wrong. My researching skills always did me good but at this stage I wish I didn't go searching.

Way back I gave up looking for my real father or trying find out answers by making up stupid lies and things. I came to a place where knowing who my father is didn't matter. I however prayed to Jesus and asked him if he could lead me to his family.

Turns out prayers are answered so be carful what you pray for !

I decided not to share any of this with the blue car because I knew she would throw me aside and forget me all over again, however when she recently became a mother I thought she had the right to know and it was the right thing for her child as well. It was hard enough for me to go searching for my family I guess I didn't want her child to go though that.
As I try to tell her about what I knew I could see the change in her face and really could see how much she hated me at that moment. She said isn't this just something you want ?

I had to really think hard. Was it ? Was I just hoping.. Then again was she limiting God to what he could do.

After leaving the house I knew she would fire back with something and how right I was.
I think it was a couple of days latter if not a week when she sent me a (text) message wanting nothing to do with me .

I knew that was coming. I knew That the blue car would again strike me again. we attend the same church and are part of the same family and yet she really had no love for me.

I decided I would be the better person and after telling her what I thought I simply prayed for her. She often would say how much I needed Jesus but I was 200% she needed him. She was a leader, and in the band but still could not show grace to me ? Often she would walk pass me as if I'm a dirt bag, as if I didn't exist.

Today I saw her after awhile I hadn't. She still pretty much treated me as if I was an alien.

Though I wanted to slap her so bad I knew Jesus wouldn't improve. He wanted me to love her even when she hated me for who knows What reason.

The blue car has taught me to pray regardless of how someone treats you or loves you or not. She taught me to trust Jesus and to obey him even when it doesn't make sense. There will always be people who do not like you but love them anyways.

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