Saturday, 9 June 2018

The button pushed

I closed my eyes and I knew I was dead , I knew everything in me had died , I knew that moment I felt alive could not change that fact, everything inside of me was dead, it was like a push button that someone hit and bam I was dead... Sadly it was the people I loved the most that killed me. I drag my self to our healing services because I wanted to be healed yet I had fellow believers who kept punching me in the heart that threw me 10 miles back from where I started.

That same day I had a leader asking me what I meant about something , I remember reading his message and was like man he really has no clue what they did threw me in the pit.. But thats the thing.. People other push too hard or they dont push hard enough.. How do you know when pushing is enough or is not enough ?

Often people would push me to the edge and I would snap at them trying tell them they did so but they can not understand my language of pain that they turn away and close the file , some people say nothing , some people do nothing. They sit there and watch me in pain asking me what did they do as if they have no clue...

Their actions caused me to snap and that button was pushed too far.. Now That I new that truth how could I tell them ? How could I explain , my voice was a ghost to them.. Waving away in shadow mist... Trying hit the people I love with warning signs they missed every bit of them... There I walked among them and they looked at me with pity or sadness.. And among them was the blue car bashing me down yet again with her related blood but throwing me to the dogs... Her own flesh and blood.. It took me to the place of blackness,

Blanking me in to tears and more death.. As I try to reach out to anyone who could hear me , nobody did.. Nor did they want to... Pastors could not response to my pain, leaders could not response to my pain ,they refuse to hear or answer me... Walking away and blocking me out.. When I did the same it was as If I broke the law and how bad was that... Then I had people who didn't want to be my friend but could only be a (church ) family to me..

All I wanted was people to love me and I fought for that but then I pushed the button and fought to kill myself and harm myself at the same time...

What made me do this ?

Having my therapist tell Me I have Worth I couldn't see it. I saw no worth in myself because of the people who I loved deeply did not love me back..

Back to my moment of life... I could feel myself about to fall.. And during the healing service I was knocked out by my own sin but could anyone save me before it was to late ?

Or was the button pushed to hard that it was left broken unable to be fix within it self ..

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