As I sat Listening to my pastor say the person who commits suicide never had hope, I felt angry and sad, I think that's far fetch.
We all have hope. We have hope in things and in people and for some of us in Jesus.
The things we have hope in sometimes isn't enough. I see it in my own life.
I do all the (right ) things but it still isn't enough.
How can you help someone who so far out , and so lost ? You can't. You just be there.
People often walk away because they feel they can't cope but what if That's not the point ? The point was to just be there ? I mean what's wrong with giving your ears ? To listen.. What's wrong with giving your hands ? To hug...what's wrong with giving your mouth ?.. To give encouragements ?
I stood at my church , with so much to say but I had no voice.. My voice Was un heard in fact what I had to say didn't matter... I did everything I could not anymore, I stood there with nothing more to give but my brokenness.
That's all I had to give. I saw myself as unloved ,unwanted.. Maybe that was just it. Just to give that part of me. To anyone and everyone. Perhaps God could use it.
Nothing ever made sense but what I knew made sense was I wanted to change and I could only do that though my brokenness.
My pastor had so much to say about suicide but they couldn't even sit down with me and hear me out. Infact they would do there best to not speak with me. I wonder when I die by suicide they be standing up there saying I had no hope in Jesus ! I sure will be there as a ghost jumping on top of them !!!
I knew at that stage I had nothing more to do but just watch things play out by my actions.
Just a couple of days before I had God touch me in such a huge way at our healing services. I knew That something was going whip everything upside down and I knew God was going use me of all people to do that.
But did I really want to be used ? Was I ready for something big as this ? I knew the answers the church was asking God but would they even hear it from me ? Voiceless I was but perhaps the most important thing was to trust God with all of this and be ready... Ready to un tie my voice to the many people who would hear it. Was it time for a hearing of heart or was it a time of an unwanted tears to hit the grave yard.. No less...it was time for something...