As my pastor told me I'm not allow to attend church, apart of me died, I knew it was going be hard to bring that part back to life but I also knew I didnt really care anymore.
I spent the next couple of days crying and trying make sense of it. Trying understand why Jesus would reject me. Because honestly thats how I see it. How could Jesus not love me ?
I remember the first time I went to the church. I had visit many others before this and had given up of the idea of finding a church fit for me. I was always out of place.
It Was super small, and that was a big no no for me. I never liked small things. But it was so welcoming. As I sat listening to the pastor it was no different to any other pastor I heard. It didnt really touch me. But then his wife came up with drawings. Right away I was surprise. What kind of church uses drawings to bring a message from God ? I had a love for art so it was really cool to see these people draw because God showed them something. I knew that some how I had found something real and something from God.
As time flew by I delt with alot of hurt and rejection. It changed apart of me and it changed how I saw the church. Any church.
I had spent a few years studying church's so what was happening to me wasn't a surprise at all.
Sadly church's these days are for the money , about what you drive and what degree you have and if you dont have the right job then you not on the ( A ) list. It was also very hard for me that my church is against mental illness. I often had people say I'm from the devil. That alone created a patten of thoughts inside of me where I could hear the devil saying how much God didnt want me or need me. So when my pastor told me I was not welcome I knew I was going face war.
Deep down it broke me in to a hard core mask. Where I try to be fine about it. I wasn't. A few people had try to keep me away from church and now I only saw them dancing for joy.
I wanted to hate them but all I had was love. I was angry but I loved them. I hope that I would just snap out of my depression that hit me even worse when my pastor rejected me. I didnt want to eat, I didnt want to do anything. I just wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again.
So you wondering what on earth did I do ? To be told I'm not welcome ? Nothing. The pastor simply flew in to flight mode because he couldn't understand what God was doing and threw me out before God could even heal me. Thats how I see it.
It all started at healing service when God showed me some things. He showed me my old pattens and how it will keep going on if I dont deal with the root. He showed me a lot. Then he told me to go up for prayer. There was no way I was going go up for prayer. I felt I would be judged and rejected. How right I was.
Sometimes people can't understand mental ill people because they don't have all the information about the illness. They rather wall them because they unable to help them or cope with them. The church itself lacks information because they choose to judge instead of loving the person. Loving them is knowing all about their health and still be okay with it. Is that really to much to expert ?
As I sit here writing this blog. There very much pain I feel. If I do not share this then it can not be use to help someone who also delt with rejection from church. The first response is always walking away and giving up on God, because you feel Jesus doesn't love you. The truth is that what the devil wants. He wants us away from church. Because church is good for us. It is not a building. Its people like you and me building our Lives around Christ and trying be more like him.
I had someone tell me why am I even broken about my church ? I must just find a new one. My church isn't just a building. Its my family. I may not know how to show love to my family because of my mental illness but I'm learning to. At this stage I stay away because I'll rather run and hide then be rejected. The devil wants just that. For us to never remain planted but rather to become a wonder of brokenness .at this time I'm that. I'm mourning. But at some point I need to get up and stand my ground. You do too.