Saturday, 7 July 2018

The church fails me

"Its like having a relationship with BPD, You can go and be with your demos"

After that statement I just knew that I was on a war zone path.

For a very long time I was ashamed of writing about my BPD. I thought I would lose readers.. But then I realize it was part of who I am, I shouldn't be a shame at  all.

Within the 2 months I had rejection from both my church's. One online and one offline, I even had an e group tell me I'm not allow to attend at all.

In religion eyes you need to be healed over night or you not part of the pack... I have BPD but that doesn't mean I should be treated like an animal and left for dead...

People with BPD need to be loved no matter what.

After reaching and reaching for the church for help I decided to back away and just stop.

I decided to reach out to my BPD community who I hadn't been part of for almost 2 years. Even though I was gone for that long I was welcome with big arms full of love.

Having a conversation with my fellow BPD peeps I realize that I needed to fight for me. I had given up on myself because Christian people chose to give up on me.

I decided to share what's been happening with the church world. This was the response.

"Why do you go to church ?"
I want to praise God and have a family. Make friends.
"Do you think you can do those things without church ?"

Why can't I go to church ?????

" You can but have you been happy at all ? "

..... Depressed... I cry most of the time..

" This is my point, your mental health is important "

" Cat you are important " stop trying to be proved by the religion world. They not going give that to you. "

"Only Jesus can. Find yourself and the right people will be with you. He knows who they are. Just hang in there. "

As I sat in shock they had a point. A very good point. Every time someone from the religions world hurt me or I wouldn't impress them. I would punish myself by hurting myself. I needed to beat myself up and harm myself.

It was horrible. I needed to make a choice. I decided to end some relationships and to keep some and to move forward. The church may have fail me but I didnt want to fail me. I wanted to fight for myself. I didnt know how this look like but by taking steps of self love I knew I was on the right path.

I decided to take a 3 month of discovery of who I am. What I enjoy , what I didnt. But most of all there would be no more religion in my life. There would be me Jesus me and me again. I needed this. I needed me. Because after all I'm with me 24.7. Nobody else was but me. I was stuck with me !

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