Saturday, 7 July 2018

The church fails me

"Its like having a relationship with BPD, You can go and be with your demos"

After that statement I just knew that I was on a war zone path.

For a very long time I was ashamed of writing about my BPD. I thought I would lose readers.. But then I realize it was part of who I am, I shouldn't be a shame at  all.

Within the 2 months I had rejection from both my church's. One online and one offline, I even had an e group tell me I'm not allow to attend at all.

In religion eyes you need to be healed over night or you not part of the pack... I have BPD but that doesn't mean I should be treated like an animal and left for dead...

People with BPD need to be loved no matter what.

After reaching and reaching for the church for help I decided to back away and just stop.

I decided to reach out to my BPD community who I hadn't been part of for almost 2 years. Even though I was gone for that long I was welcome with big arms full of love.

Having a conversation with my fellow BPD peeps I realize that I needed to fight for me. I had given up on myself because Christian people chose to give up on me.

I decided to share what's been happening with the church world. This was the response.

"Why do you go to church ?"
I want to praise God and have a family. Make friends.
"Do you think you can do those things without church ?"

Why can't I go to church ?????

" You can but have you been happy at all ? "

..... Depressed... I cry most of the time..

" This is my point, your mental health is important "

" Cat you are important " stop trying to be proved by the religion world. They not going give that to you. "

"Only Jesus can. Find yourself and the right people will be with you. He knows who they are. Just hang in there. "

As I sat in shock they had a point. A very good point. Every time someone from the religions world hurt me or I wouldn't impress them. I would punish myself by hurting myself. I needed to beat myself up and harm myself.

It was horrible. I needed to make a choice. I decided to end some relationships and to keep some and to move forward. The church may have fail me but I didnt want to fail me. I wanted to fight for myself. I didnt know how this look like but by taking steps of self love I knew I was on the right path.

I decided to take a 3 month of discovery of who I am. What I enjoy , what I didnt. But most of all there would be no more religion in my life. There would be me Jesus me and me again. I needed this. I needed me. Because after all I'm with me 24.7. Nobody else was but me. I was stuck with me !



2 comments:

  1. Hi Cath Lisa

    I have just come accross your blog and read a few entries. You said some powerfull things and I can see that life has not been easy, but I want to encourage you not to fall into hatred for other people. We’re all only human and make many mistakes and hurt the people around us, each and every one of us(including me, and even you). But God wants us to LOVE LOVE LOVE even when we don’t think we have any more love inside of us.

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    1. Hi there ! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply ! I agree with you we should love and that is important. I share alot on my emotions and I know sometimes it may sound I'm hatful however as in anyone we have emotions and sometimes that places a role in my case I have higher emotions.i use my testimony and struggles to encourage others and hopefully inspire people to keep going and never give up. God bless !

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