Cath Lisa

Cath Lisa

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Where we go wrong ...

After a call with my pastor it simply left me even more broken. The last few seconds was hearing him laugh at me and then hanging up on him.

That laugh rings in my head as an encouraging tool to end my life.

He claims that the leadership has made a choice of not allowing me back at all. Without no real reason but lies. The first they said it was a concern then they said it was because I lived somewhere else. Then the next was that because I said I would seek legal advice.

What ever it was it was not like Christ like at all. To tell the broken they not welcome and to laugh at them ...
I question the leadership and their faith. Even when I'm this side temporary they choose to throw me with the wolf's .

I dont know why I'm upset about a church who hasn't wanted me from get go. People have mistreated me and judged me.. I dont know why I love people who keep hurting me and treating me with disrespect. I dont know why I keep loving people who just wouldn't greet me at church but rather ignore me. I don't know why I spend hours crying over a church who watched me eat from bins and sleep in a shelter " I don't know why I spend hours self harming myself because a pastor refuses to love me but rather judge me...I'm not sure what's wrong with me... If its my confusion with my sexualities , or if its because I have a mental illness... Or if its because I'm so difficult... I dont understand.
I dont want to live in a world full of hate and evil.... Judgment and so much control. No freedom to choose your words , your friends, where you stay or where you can attend church This world is a bad world where we have leaders and pastors mis leading people away from Christ instead towards him. There is so much judgment and labels. No wonder why I get so sick and suicidal.. There very little information on mental health and so much judgment on it. Iv had people tell me I'm seeking attention or I'm from the devil and the list gos on. But this is a real real sickness and a battle (every day ) our actions and words can play a huge role in this.

Its not that one has no hope in Jesus but rather has a very difficult brain and often its the end result of suicide. Our brains can not just become auto And be positive a lot of mental health people have a real illness in their brain and can not win the battle. Triggers and other factors are a caused to this.I'm not sure why I'm so suicidal about a church that doesn't want me and can't even spell my name right. Who treats me like trash and laughs at me when I challenge them. .

I know that there are people who care enough to spell my name right , or take care with me by respecting me as a person, by not judging me even when I mess up so often. By loving me And showing me grace. But the rest just Push's me away from the Christian world and from Jesus himself. This is my 3rd church and I am so broken that iv got rejection from them too. I'm tired of running away from my faults and from people who hurt me. I just want to deal with it.

I'm not sure how to carry on from this mess. I can say is that if I lose my struggle to suicide I want people to know that their actions and words play a huge key role. They can take a life without even realizing it. This is where we go wrong.  We preach but can not live up to it. We speak (life ) but can not live up to it. We proclaim Christ but we can not live up to it. We only use excuses such as ( I'm not perfect ) to re fine our actions and make ourselves feel better instead of asking for forgiveness and applying it. We put everything in to a building and hours yet when that building fails us we fall from God and walk away from him. (I'm guilty on that one )

We waste time on things that break us down and instead of following what Christ says we follow what people say.
We take the bible out of context to suit our belief and build walls around anyone who challenges this.
When we say I will pray for you do we really do this ? When we say I want to help you do we know what we mean by this ?

We live in a culture where leaders make promise but can not keep them. Where we not allow to challenge any leadership or speak freely. We not even allow to blink unless there a reason too blink and if you blink more the normal you class out of the normal zone and need treatment for it.

White people are not allow to have dread locks because its racist and black people are not allow to have blonde hair because they disobeying their culture. We not allow to dance like Indians do because its against our religion...  Nobody has freedom. We all simply judging each other instead of loving each other. We place label after label.

We can't go up for prayer without being judge or being told we from the devil. When we make mistakes it is hold against us for the rest of our lives. We carry so much chains that we don't even realize it.

We can't try new things because heaven be told we will become a string for the devil to pull us... We live In no freedom but fear. We have no faith but live up to religions of label's and class and if we don't fit the box we are ship away as the trouble one who can not be healed by Christ... And while many people leave the church because of everything above we leave God too because we feel unworthy and unwanted. I mean after all if Jesus lives in you surly he will love you for you ? He won't judge you.  He will give you grace and he will understand you. Is this the Jesus I once knew ? Does he even live ?

Emotional , unstable , broken , betrayed , un wanted.... All this Jesus was... So why is it impossible for us to love people like me ?  Way to many questions but no answers....

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